Welcome to 2010.

Even though most of these lists have already been published, The Official decided to meditate on the shocking and ground-breaking events of 2009 to make some predictions for 2010. Brace yourself.

1. Stephen Harper will remain as Prime Minister.

Which is quite unfortunate, because he’s doing a piss-poor job at governing the nation and isn’t the principled politician he claims to be. Most Canadians look to the Conservatives for prudent fiscal management, although recent history paints a much different picture. The far right in Canada, as well as the United States, LOVES deficits, and nobody runs up deficits like right-wingers. Just check out the legacies of Brian Mulroney, George W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan. Harper has joined this neo-con club while overspending by over $50 billion in 2009. Most right-leaning pundits will tell you that this is the result of recession-fighting stimulus spending. Perhaps Canadians should wait and see how hundreds of thousands of dollars spent renovating an ice rink in rural Nova Scotia will benefit the national economy.

2. Michael Ignatieff will continue to suffer from John Kerry Syndrome.
Following Senator Kerry’s failed strategy in the 2004 U.S presidential election, Ignatieff will attempt to win hearts and minds by not offering Canadians anything different in 2010, much like he did in 2009 when he won the leadership of the Liberal Party. Harper will keep his tight grip on Parliament, obtained by earning less than 23% of votes from eligible Canadians, something he calls a “mandate”. Anways, Ignatieff will keep telling us that Harper stinks and we need to shift priorities. His Liberal predecessors were all tax choppers and sent Canadian troops into battle in Afghanistan. Little has been said by Ignatieff as to how he will do things differently. Canada patiently waits for a reason to vote Liberal.

3. The New Democrats and Jack Layton will continue to tell Canadians that THEY are the alternative to Harper and the Cons. Somehow, the nation’s Conservatives will continue to convince everyone that they are closeted communists.

4. Despite earning just under 1 million votes in the last election, Elizabeth May’s irrelevant Green Party will continue their fruitless campaign to gain relevance in our remarkably un-democratic electoral system. Canadians looking for change will continue to be blind to the fact that their “protest” vote is maintaining the status quo.

5. The Bloc Quebecois will continue to piss off Canadians with their disproportionate power in Ottawa, all while saving the nation from a potentially disastrous Conservative Majority in the next election. Go figure.

6. More of our soldiers will die in Afghanistan for a war that everyone has agreed is un-winnable and with objectives that are about as clear as the sky over Shanghai. Canadians will mourn the dead as they are paraded down the Highway of Heroes, a hollow, jingoist tribute to our armed forces. Credible sources on the file will rightly continue to argue for less war while U.S. President Barack Obama pounds the war drums.

7. Political commentators who don’t have a goddamn clue how to decipher the science behind global warming will continue to deny that it’s happening or going to happen (check out the Post’s Lorne Gunter and the Toronto Sun’s Lorrie Goldstein).

8. Canadians who don’t have a goddamn clue how to decipher the science behind global warming will continue to support initiatives aimed to fight global warming while filling up their gas tanks, eating loads of beef, flying around the globe, and supporting schemes like carbon credits and costly carbon sequestration.

9. Toronto will continue to get snubbed by the Federal government and the rest of Canada, even though it’s the only place in the country that knows how to make a dollar without digging stuff out of the ground or chopping something down. (Chill, it’s only a joke…Sort of).

10. Stupid Torontonians will continue to flock to the Air Canada Centre to cheer on the Maple Leafs like illiterate peasants migrating to some monastery seeking heavenly powers to prevent a pestilence. In a shocking turn of events, the Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup, but all will be quickly forgotten when everyone wakes up the next morning and realizes Stephen Harper is still Prime Minister.